so, its 2:50am, i’m tired and strung out. bored and restless. homesick and wanting to go just about anywhere but home. im full of contradictions.

i have all of this energy balled up inside of me and i need for it to explode constructively! i don’t really know what i’m feeling i guess. i’m in a low level manic state. never at rest and always unbalanced, which is not like me.

the past year has been surreal. i’ve made a lot of personal progress within my own psyche i could not be more pleased with any yet, i’m still simmering.

i hate to say this for fear of sounding old, but, what the hell, i need to settle down! in the past 3 years i’ve lived in RI, MA, CA, and LA. i don’t know where i am anymore. as always there things that i want and need, (everyone has wants and needs), but they seem a bit trivial at the moment, all kind of grey. and i can’t figure out why. i think that’s pestering me the most in the here and now.

i don’t often post such personal feeling in this blog. maybe i should more often. to force it out.

so lets try a little exercise… i’m going to think for a moment and make a list of 5 things i want right now. note: not Need, need changes everything completely and make me sound like a monkey thats been watching television all night.

#1 i Want to go home. either providence ri or boston ma. the slow (as in speed and mental capability) workings of the south are really starting to get to me.

#2 when i get home, i Want to go to Back Bay Station in boston during a snow storm and breathe deeply. its not anything you can imagine and the scent will take me spinning back in my mind and play lovely games. train fumes, bums, crisp snow-fresh air, caramelized peanuts and frying sausages and …

#3 i Want to go to an open mic night somewhere that i can read my poetry to a group of people. its something i’ve never done and i’ve been writing a lot as of late.

#4 i Want to quit smoking. mainly cause i’ve smoked so much today that i have a headache from it. and i would have for energy if not for the shit in ciggs slowing down my still young body.

#5 i Want to lay in bed, lite candles, play mood music, cuddle with a guy under the weight of heavy blankets and get lost in the dance

but i think for now i just need a good nights sleep. not too much to ask for?

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